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Tantrums and Learning to Talk

Many children learn early on to use tantrums as a form of communication to get what they want. It is crucial at this stage to help your child learn other methods to communicate their needs. 

In this at home speech lesson post, we’ll focus on building communication skills to help avoid frustration your little one feels when they can’t tell you what they want or need. This will also help get your child into their optimal headspace for learning and communicating because toddlers learn best when they are happy and having fun!

Helping your toddler learn new ways to express their wants and needs is one great way to reduce toddler tantrums.

Keep reading or watch this video to see 3 ways that you can help your child learn to ask for things in new ways!

Plus, we have a great at home activity to help you think through why your toddler is having a tantrum and tons of strategies to prevent tantrums next time at the end!

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Tips for reducing toddler tantrums

Tip 1 - Wait for your child to calm down to give them what they want

If your child is having a tantrum, don’t give them what they want — if you do, they will learn that having a tantrum is an appropriate way to get what they want. Instead, wait until the tantrum is over. As soon as your child calms down, you can give them the thing they want — within reason, of course.

If your child began their tantrum because you set a limit or said no to something they wanted, feel confident in holding firm to this after the tantrum is over. If, for example, your child asked for more ice cream and your saying “No, ice cream is done” sparked a tantrum, don’t give in to giving them more ice cream — you don’t want to inadvertently reward the tantrum after the fact. Instead, transition to a new activity, and your child will likely forget all about the ice cream.

Waiting out tantrums is much easier said than done, especially if your child frequently uses tantrums as a form of communication. To help, practice using a repeated phrase like “I love you. I’m here when you’re ready for me,” or “Mommy is here when your body is calm” — then, do your best to ignore the tantrum. You can also sing a calming song or practice taking deep breaths with your child to help calm them down.


Tip 2 - Recognize the effects of the attention you give your child during their tantrum

It’s natural to want to give your child loving attention when they’re upset. But just like adults, children often need alone time to move past difficult emotions like frustration, disappointment, or anger. If you reward your child with attention in the middle of a tantrum, they could learn that having a tantrum is an appropriate way to get your attention. Of course, we support you in giving your child loving attention, but we do encourage you to wait until they are calm.

As long as your child’s body is safe—meaning they are not at risk of hurting themselves—the easiest way to do this is often to simply walk away and allow your child to come to you when they are ready for support

Tip 3 - It is okay to ask for help

If your child’s body is NOT safe when they tantrum, you should try to create an environment that makes it safe for them. For example, you might build a pile of pillows for them to lay on, or move them from their highchair onto the floor.

If your child is frequently a danger to themselves—for example, if they bang their head, scratch or bite themselves—or if they harm you through any of these actions, you should seek a referral to a behavior specialist from your pediatrician. These behaviors are not typical, and a behavior specialist can help reduce your child's frustration and ease the burden of these challenging behaviors. Many families benefit from the support of specialists to help ensure their child’s safety and reduce the anxiety felt by their caregivers.


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Thinking through toddler tantrums - at home activity

With this activity you can think through a tantrum that your child had and help you think about what you can do next time. Print our PDF version above to follow along 😊

Identify a time that your child had a tantrum and answer the following questions.

Describe your child’s tantrum.

How long was the tantrum?

What happened just before the tantrum? This may help you identify a reason for the tantrum.

Tantrum Reason - Let’t think about why your toddler had a tantrum, what cause it? The idea is to figure out what your child’s goal may have been when they had their tantrum, whether or not they were aware of it. Circle (in your head or on your printed version) any that apply, if any.

  • To get attention from someone, even if it is negative attention. Who did they want attention from?

  • Because they didn’t get something they wanted. What did they want?

  • To try to keep something from happening. What did they want to avoid?

  • Other: ________

Although your child doesn’t know it, the real reason for their tantrum might be something else: they also might tantrum in response to the way their body feels. Circle any that apply, if any:

  • sensory overload (from a noisy or overstimulating environment. What were they sensitive to?

  • hunger

  • being tired

  • thirst

  • pain (like teething, an injury etc.) What hurts?

  • sadness (like when an important family member is out of town or there is household stress). What were they sad about?

  • needing to make a bowel movement

  • Other: _______________

 

Prevent a tantrum next time!

Let’s work through what you can try next time to attempt to meet your child’s needs before the tantrum. Find the categories that match your tantrum reason(s) you identified above. Then, find at least one strategy that you want to try to prevent a tantrum next time.

Attention.

You can try one or more of these things if your child’s tantrum was about attention: 

-give attention to your child at more frequent intervals

-include your child in your household tasks so that they are with you

-if your child wants attention while you are speaking to someone else you can try holding them while you talk

-Use a baby/toddler carrier while on walks or completing chores in the house

-Setting aside time for child to interact with the adult with no distractions (TV off, cell phone put away, and without a sibling present)

-Other:____________________________________

Not getting what they want.

You can try one or more of these things if your child’s tantrum was about not getting what they want: 

-give two choices of things that they are allowed to have so that they get the freedom to “choose” the thing they want

-use a countdown to help them transition away from something they want to keep doing (see lesson about Transitions)

-avoid being around things your child can’t have

-try to set up consistent rules/boundaries across caregivers about that desired object

-Other:____________________________________

Avoiding what they don’t want.

You can try one or more of these things if your child’s tantrum was about avoiding something they don’t want/don’t want to happen

-Use regular daily routines to help your child know when the non-preferred activities will happen

-use “first/ then” statements to help your child know something they like will happen next (“first we brush your teeth, then we play cars” while showing the cars and toothbrush)

-use a countdown to help them know when they will transition to a non-preferred activity (see lesson about Transitions)

-adjust the activity so that it contains more preferred elements

-Other:____________________________________

Physiological Needs: 

-Anticipating your child’s routines for meals, snacks, and naps to help avoid tantrums based on hunger, thirst, or fatigue

-Know your child’s limitations with sensory experiences in advance to help avoid prolonged exposure to things that cause your child discomfort (like crowded places, excessive noise, etc).

-Medical intervention for pain or chronic constipation 

-Other: ____________________________________

“Giving Them What They Want” vs “Waiting It Out”. In some situations, meeting your child’s need during the tantrum is an appropriate response. This is true in situations where your child is responding to a physical problem, such as being hungry or being tired. Sometimes you have to give in to a tantrum when there is an immediate safety concern.

In other situations, giving your child what they want during a tantrum is counter productive. If you give your child the thing that they want during a tantrum it may make them think, “tantrumming works! I’m going to do it again next time.” 

For the tantrum scenario you described at the beginning of this activity, do you think next time it would be better to “Wait it Out” or to “Give Them What They Want?” Circle your choice.


If you chose “Wait it Out”, what do you want to do to help get through the tantrum? Circle anything that you want to try.

  • Move child to a different location to finish their tantrum

  • Go into a separate room from child and close the door so you can have a break/ cool down space

  • Ask another adult to come help be present

  • Ignore child/ not provide attention

  • Move across the room from your child, offer occasional reminders like “I’m here when you’re ready for a hug” but engage in your own activity so as to not provide attention other than occasional reminders that you’re present 

  • Present child with a toy that they are allowed to have to help distract them. What toy do you want to try? __

  • Present child with food or drink item that they are allowed to have. What food or drink do you want to try? __

  • Distract child with music or video. What song/ video do you want to try?: __

  • Other:___

Asking for help.

If at any point tantrums seem to be happening too frequently or you are struggling to handle them, you are not alone. Please bring up your concerns to your pediatrician and they can help you get additional support to work through this stage.


Download our working through tantrums guide ↓

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Created In Collaboration By:

Stephanie Keffer, MS CCC-SLP

Stephanie Burgener-Vader, MA CCC-SLP

Melissa Sartori, MS CCC-SLP

Yvette Faire-Bostick, MS CCC-SLP


© 2020-2023. Stephanie Hatleli, MS CCC-SLP. All Rights Reserved.

 

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